Changes and Themes

What is a pulse? acording to my site (or as my little 4 year old calls it: zanga zite.) I have no pulse. As I sit here typing, I can distinctly feel my internal pump doing its thing. I think I would know immediately if it wasn’t. But really, what is the big deal with changing things up on xanga? didn’t everything work just great the way it was? Now, when I try to sneak online and check out all the other sites out there, I have a strong sense of peer pressure to change the “theme” on my site so that I do not appear to be stuck in the dark ages. But here I am learning about remixing themes and backgrounds and something called a module. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for new technology and such, but I am just not much of a designer. Take for example clothes if you will, before I was married, a pair of jeans and any old shirt worked just fine for all but 3 occasions: Church, weddings, and funerals. (anybody could tell you that these three events call for some special attention to one’s attire. Just jeans and a t-shirt wont cut it, you should also wear shoes and socks.) But since I am married things have changed: 1. one must be sure that the clothes that one is about to put on will not clash with, or distract from, any or all of the clothes that your wife may or may not be wearing. (note: no one, not even the wife knows for sure, what she will be wearing until she is walking out the door to leave) 2. The said clothes should have been washed in the past 14 days and by washed I’m talking about being washed by a professional using a washing machine. (contrary to what some of you bachelors might think, getting caught in a heavy rain storm does not constitute clean clothes.) 3. all clothes should be ironed and wrinkle free. (unless it is one of those new sissy shirts that comes from the factory, pre-wrinkled for effect. I’m told that this is a good kind of wrinkle.) 4. never wear white tennis shoes with cuffed dress pants. (the only correct way to wear tennis shoes with slacks is if they are knee length (the pants, not the shoes) and you are simultaneously wearing black knee high socks and you are over the age of 78 and you live in Florida.) If you would interview these men wondering around, looking like a sideshow for the local circus, you would find that they are simply reverting back to their old manner of dressing and have no evil intent whatsoever. What can we learn from all of this? Simply this: you can try to change a man (or any person for that matter) but when left alone long enough they will blissfully go right back to doing things exactly the way they have always wanted to, not caring at all what those around them may think.

Just a thought…

Well folks, it’s here.  I am not indicating Thanksgiving. Although it will soon be upon us, nor am I talking about the ending of a perfectly horrible season of Notre Dame football.  (this too is looming inevitably in the near future.  I have just returned from the game against Air Force and I can relate to you without fear of any rebuttal at all that we STINK!  In fact Notre Dame stinks so bad that they wouldn’t even be allowed to compete in the “toilet bowl” they would get flushed if you get my drift.)  No, what I am really referring to is that time of year when we have to change our clocks back again.  As a Hoosier, I am fairly new to this strange practice.  I have even voiced my discomfort with this ritual on this site in the past. 

This past week I was traveling from Chicago to South Bend with my brother and we were discussing our concerns about daylight savings time.  He told me I should research the relation between living in an area where it gets dark at 4:30 and the rate of suicides or crime rate in general for that area.  He mentioned that no one would be better suited for this job than me since I am (with some respect and even wonderment from my colleagues and loyal subscribers [fellow xangaers] ) able to pull “facts” and other useless information out of thin air.  Some would call this artistic others would call it “having an over-active imagination” while most would consider it just plain old fashioned making-it-up-as-you-go-along.  (not under any circumstances should this be confused with lying)  Anyway, after conducting several minutes of this type of research, I recognized a pattern emerging:  the crime rate in cities that were unfortunate enough to be located in the eastern most region of their respective time zone was higher than those situated on the west side (where it will be daylight for an hour longer).  For a simple comparison I have chosen New York City and Chicago vs a town like Albertsville Ky.  While NYC and Chicago are both in the eastern quadrant of their time zones, no one really knows where Albertsville is located, but the facts are pretty disturbing:  As you may have guessed the crime rate in NYC was wayyyy more higher than Albertsville’s total population.  As I stated earlier, this is very disturbing to me and I have come up with a solution.  If you will allow me, I would like to share it with you now.  No objections?  Good, OK here it is, I call it the NALAWHBODST plan. (Never Again Lose A Whole Hour Because Of Daylight Savings Time) this is how it would work: I would start by taking a typical time zone and divide it equally into 60 mini time zones. (hereafter revered to as: mtz)  (some of you who have a 4th grade education or higher can already detect where I’m going with this.) For the rest of you, let me break it down for you: (is it just me, or have I used an excessive amount of colons and parenthesis so far?) anyway back to the mtzs: each of the mtzs would represent one minute so instead of crossing an imaginary line and Wham! It is one hour later/earlier, you would be able to gradually adjust to the time change.  Now here is the good part: next spring, when Daylight Savings Time comes around again, you would only have to turn your clock forward 1 minute instead of a whole hour because if you add up all the mtz in your time zone you would come up with 60 minutes which of course equals 1 hour.  I think we should implement the NALAWHBODST plan immediately.  In fact we could even take it one step further and create 60 sub zones in each mtz: one for every second.  Then we could…. No, I guess that would be taking things a little too far.

Some things I just don’t get.

Hi, how are things in your world?  Everything is pretty cool here.  We’ve had quite a bit of rain this weekend so things have cooled down a bit.  Why do we say cooled down and warmed up?  Is it because warm air rises?  If this is always true, why do you see snow on top of a mountain but not down in the valley beside it.  Why do we say shut up and quiet down?  Isn’t that contradictory?  And while we are on the subject, why do gas stations sell mulch?  I mean, is there some connection between gas and mulch that I don’t know about?  Do they make mulch out of used motor oil?  Or maybe its because they want to offer yet another necessary ingredient to make our stop at the convenience store complete.  ( I have $97.62 on pump number 4, 7 krispy kreme doughnuts, a 62 oz gulp (diet of course), 2 packs of gum, a current copy of auto trader, a mini bag of chips, and oh yeah, 3 bags of mulch.)  I still don’t get it. 

So, having a new baby in the house is great.  Unless you start adding up all the hours of sleep lost since he was born.  (Our sleep that is, not his.  He seems to sleep just fine.  If only we could convince him to do it at night.)  We haven’t gotten a good night sleep since February, 9th .  (By that I simply mean 5 or more consecutive hoursatatimeallinarowwithoutinteruption)  The only major effect that I can relate at this point is that I have become very paranoid and have developed a severe eye twitch.  The other day I was standing in a checkout line patiently waiting for my turn when I realized that everyone in the store was looking at me with some concern.  The paranoia immediately started kicking in until I realized what they were looking at.  It wasn’t even that interesting, like having forgotten to put on my pants before leaving the house that morning.  It was simply that I was wearing my nonreversible coat inside-out.  (I have found that when you know you are being followed a good trick to lose the “tail” is to walk into a restroom or some other doorway and as quickly as you can reverse your coat and walk back out again.  If you were wearing a purple jacket when you walked in, your “tail” will obviously be looking for a purple jacket to reappear.  However if you walk out 23 seconds after you entered and now you are wearing a yellow jacket, you could walk right past him/her without a second glance.)  I had used this tactic to throw somebody off my track earlier that morning and had been so preoccupied with looking over my shoulder that I forgot to re-reverse my coat again.  Unfortunately for me, I was wearing one of my old coats and the liner was certainly not designed to ever see anything except my sweaty armpits.  Also maybe I should note here that if you choose to use this trick in the future, it may be wise to use the restroom that is considered appropriate for your gender.  This is not always essential but it could save you 23 seconds of awkward silence.  Especially if there is a line of surprised yet not uninterested women waiting their turn for the single stall with a functioning lock.  It also will not improve their overall bad-humor and suspicion if you are the victim of a severe eye twitch. 

Bottom line:  get your sleep.  I read this past week that if you do not get your needed sleep (average humans between ages of 19, to the day after you retire: 8 hours per night/day) you are 50% more likely to get sick than those who get their sleep.  That means that I had better stop rambling and go to bed….wait a minute. Did you hear that?  I think there is someone outside my window.  Maybe if I…no that isn’t going to work, I’m caught out in the open without a coat.….BLINK…..BLINK…..BLINK…………

Time…

I can’t help but feel that I am being swallowed up in a powerful vortex of … well, time. We have left Thanksgiving behind and are speeding towards Christmas at a breakneck pace. In this day & age it is difficult to partake in any normal activity involving other people without the subject of “time” at least being uttered. I’ll give you some examples: “sorry I’m late” (said with just the right lack of sincerity) “this will only take a minute” (yeah, riiiggghht) “…and so in closing…” (the worst of them all).
One of the scary things about time is that there is no pause or rewind button. however the older I get the more I’m convinced that somewhere the fast forward button has gotten stuck in the on position. I have this theory that states: “the older you get the more rapidly your existence seems to accelerate”. In layman’s terms (for those of you not as learned as the rest of us) this is simply saying that the older you get the faster the years go by. Upon founding this theory I immediately put it to the test. I conducted a long, extensive, and sometimes exhausting study into this matter. First off I implemented a survey and received some very amazing results: average time to elapse between birthdays: at age 2. “what is a birthday?” at age 6. “approximately 27 months 48 days 7 hours and 84 seconds. Give or take a few hours. (O.K. we established that a six year old has very little grasp of the order of time but the point is it takes a long time for the next birthday party to arrive.) at age 48. “on average about 8 months” at age 117. “what is a birthday?”. So as you can see from this vast quantity of knowledge when we hit 117 you are pretty much back in the same mental state that you were at age 2. no,… wait that is not the conclusion I wanted to highlight in this study. The actual and most interesting point here is that the older you get the faster time goes. (there, I have just successfully fortified my own theory without ever leaving my chair) It is getting to the point where I sometimes feel like I am watching my life zip past me and I am helpless to do anything about it. Why, it seems like only yesterday that I was laying on the floor playing with my lego set after I had…oh wait a minute I think that was yesterday. I’m sorry that was a bad example. Ok here is something I know those of you over the age of 23 can identify with: two weeks ago was the first day of summer. There, did that get your attention? Well it should. This brings me to another theory (not of my own making) that says: time is relative. (If you touch you hand to a hot stove for one second, it will seem like one minute but if you kiss your true love for a minute, it will seem like one second.) I can’t in all honesty say that I have experienced both of these instances but I can agree with the whole relative thing. I have a few relatives that when they come to visit for a day it seems like a week and others that visit for a week and it seems like a month. Did that come out right? Well just in case you happen to be one of my relatives and you are reading this as you wonder if I am referring to you I can only answer you with an old saying I just butchered: if the shoe fits, its probably about worn out. (just like your welcome) there was that plain enough?
All kidding aside, I hope I haven’t hurt any ones feelings or discouraged you with thoughts of your age and life in general. I just urge you to go forth from here and take advantage of every second you have and to live your life to the fullest!!! And remember that Christmas is only a couple days away. (for those of you under 16, let me warn you it will probably be more like 3 months.)

P.S. Check out our new website at www.mainstreetroasters.com , Better yet, order a pound of coffee!

Flies…

Well, I’m finally back.  Yup, back by popular deman…uhh popular indifference might be the correct term.  Our summer has been so packed with lots of fun and exciting things (some much less exciting and fun than others) that I just didn’t take the time to update.  So please don’t think that our lives are boring and uneventful.  (no contradictory comments from the those of you that really know us, please).  So I was sitting there on my beach chair looking up at the beautifully painted sky including hues of purple and dark red as the sun slipped silently beneath the horizon of gently rolling waves of the bluest water you have ever seen, when a thought struck me:  what really is a fly good for? (besides the obvious answer of spreading disease and pestilence and landing on your fresh grilled hamburger after having completed some sweaty calisthenics on the manure pile.)   OK, I might have lied a little bit there, about the whole beach chair and sunset thing, not about the fly thing.  In reality I was sitting there on my lazy boy ™ in our living room where in all honesty the only scenery to speak of is a very plaid sofa complete with matching wall.  But I did wonder about the flies as I was trying to relax and read the latest issue of Bowhunter magazine when all the flies in the house simultaneously decided to annoy me.  Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with my personality I must stress here that I am a very easy-going fun-loving kind of guy.  I have even on occasion been referred to as: laid-back.  In short it takes quite a bit to get me riled up but those 17 flies sure got it done.  As soon as I shooed them away and started reading again they were back.  Some of them landed bravely on my face and I would swing at them only to miss completely the only damage I was inflicting was to my face.  Others chose the dive bombing technique the goal here as I understand it is to dive at my ears but never land long enough to give me the chance to swat them.  They all seemed to be enjoying their sport of “drive the man insane” and I would have to admit that some were very good at it.  I think what irritates me the most is that when I finally got up out of my comfortable chair and stomped off in search of a fly swatter they all disappeared so completely that I couldn’t find one to take out my boiling rage on.  But one of the good things about having a “laid-back” type personality is that I can hold a grudge for a long time so I have taken up a new hobby in the past several months.  I call it: fly hunt’n.  it mainly consists of me sitting in ambush waiting for the little ^#^&% to come out of hiding so I can blast them with my 12 gauge swatter.  For those of you interested in taking up the sport here are a few tips that I have found work very well.  Camouflage: I have found I can become almost invisible by donning a plaid shirt and sitting on the sofa.  Hunting water holes: set out a nice cold glass of your favorite soda and wait for the fun to begin.  Last but definitely  not least is Baiting: this is one of my most successful tactics.  I wait until my lovely wife is trying to relax on the lazy boy then I stalk within swatting range and let them have it.  Note: baiting may be illegal in your state or county.  In my case, I found out the hard way that it was illegal in our house.  Another note: it might be best to inform the “bait” as to the possible outcome of the hunt.  On my last hunt the in-house conservation officer confiscated all my weapons and sentenced me to 3 days hard labor of yard work. 


So as you can see, my life has been way too full of fun and exciting things for me to update my site.  But I will try to do better and I promitmjbuihnbil;.re,bu,mn  oops sorry about that but a fly just landed on my keyboard and I couldn’t resist.


Gotta go but I  hope you have a better summer than I’m having!!!

Toenails

So, we’ve had a lot of rain lately.  What can you do to occupy yourself while watching the little one while her mother is out with friends?  Well you could update your xanga site. If you have one that is. Or you could see how big a pile of toenail clippings you can acquire with nothing more than a dust pan and a good sharp kitchen scissors.  (don’t get all freaked out and yell about how gross that is.  I did clean it very thoroughly before using it.  After all, you don’t want any food particles stuck under your toenails.)  This of course caused me to consider that age-old yet unanswered question: what purpose do toenails serve anyway?


          Are they strictly there to look good?  If you have seen my toenails than you would probably (between gags) vote “no” to that one.  Are they simply a little “hard hat” for your piggies?  Since I have on occasion smashed my toes repeatedly with heavy objects I can attest to the fact that if they are there for protection, mine were caught napping on the job.  Are they there for traction while mountain climbing?  Well I don’t have any experience climbing mountains since the closest thing we have to a mountain in northern IN would be considered in other parts of the country to be a “slight rise”.  I can tell you however that if I would go mountain climbing (under gunpoint) I would not go barefooted.  Mountains are one of the major habitats of poisonous snakes.  I guess this is not one of the main functions of toenails either. 


          At any rate they do furnish me with a little bit of entertainment on a rainy evening when I am watching the little one while my wife is out with friends. 


          By the way in case you were wondering I have collected quite the display of clippings.  I like to keep them in a Tupperware container up here in the cabinet with all the pasta…now that’s interesting, my collection has been replaced with a container filled with macaroni.  Oh well I guess I will have to start over.  Yikes, here comes my wife, I had better get that scissors back into the drawer before she catches me using it. 

Until next time…keep it real. (I don’t know what that really means but it sounds kinda hip)

Everything you wanted to know about gas prices and more.

Well, I give up.  Yes you win.  But you have to promise that you will stop bugging me.  I am, after all a very busy man and I don’t have a lot of time to do all this research so you had better appreciate it!!  Here goes:  THE REAL REASON(S) FOR RISING GAS PRICES.  You can’t avoid hearing people talk about the cost of gas these days so lets just get all the facts out in the open so we can all go back to our normal lives and talk about more uplifting topics.  Such as: ND football, fishing, bull fighting, and roses to name a few.  Anyway, here are a few reasons that I came up with after a long research session (approximately 14 minutes).


# 1. aliens.  Yes you heard me. Alien spies have reported to the mother ship that we are wasting all the natural resources. So they are trying to find a way to slow down the oil usage so that when they take over our planet, it will still be worth something.


#2. the bicycle industry.  Sure, go ahead and laugh but tell me honestly, you haven’t thought of buying a new bicycle to ride to work and thereby offset some of your gas expenses. If you did buy a bicycle who would profit from it?


#3.  inflation vs deflation.  According to the SSFFOABON (scientific system for figuring out a bunch of numbers) chart of 2003 (which can be found of page 258 of “economics for dummies”) inflation is occurring at a very rapid rate.  If studied for several minutes a pattern emerges: it seems that the cost of “stuff” is going up at exactly the same time that the value of the dollar is going down.  If you have ever talked to an “old person”, you will soon learn that back in the “good old days” you could buy things for a lot less money.  (Things you could buy for less than $15.00: a living room couch, a meal at a restaurant for a family of 13, a farm, a cow, and the list goes on.)  My point is this: things cost a lot less but they also earned a lot less.  How does this all apply to today’s topic?  Gas prices have gone  up, but so has the price of your average cow or farm so DEAL WITH IT!!!


OK I’m finished ranting so have a very wonderful evening!!