It has happened. I am referring to the unnatural way that my household appliances have united in accordance with the calendar in order to sabotage my well being.
It happens every year around the holidays, the bathroom scales somehow gets in contact with our washer, (which is odd since I don’t even remember introducing them to each other) but that doesn’t stop them from working their evil plan. It usually starts with the scales showing the wrong weight. It has learned from past experience that it can induce more entertainment for itself by increasing the weight at a slow and steady rate. (say 10 pounds over the stretch of several weeks is more exhilarating than 5 pounds in one day) I have yet to discover why this is such a great form of enjoyment for the scales but it obviously is because that is the procedure that it adheres to during this time of the year.
As I mentioned before, the washer also has a part to play in this saga. He (or she) loves to coordinate with the scales and start doing some naughty things to my clothes. His favorite trick is to shrink all my pants. I’m kinda worried that soon nothing in my house will do what it was intended for. It has even gotten to the point that I’m worried some night I will wake up and the toaster will be trying to strangle me with its cord. Oh sure you may think I’m being paranoid, that surely the appliances wouldn’t single me out of the rest of the family for this heinous act, but it is true. The scales doesn’t change my wife’s weight, nor does the washer shrink any of her clothes, (even when washed with my stuff).
My wife has another theory, and as I told her, it is so far fetched that it is actually hilarious and would work great for the plot of some humor piece but I will avoid boring you with the details here. Let it suffice to say that it involved the outrageous idea of me eating more and working less over the holidays. Now remember theories are unsupported and unproven ideas, and we are all entitled to have one (or a few, for that matter), however; hers, is about the craziest one out there to date.
She does bring up a very interesting point though: how can the washer affect the clothes hanging in my closet that haven’t been washed for months? And to that, I reply: …”I don’t know but he is involved somehow”. I may have to do some more research on that one and get back to you later. Maybe I could keep watch over the closet at night and catch the washer red-handed sneaking in to shrink my clothes. It’s okay, because I’m awake anyway, listening for the distinct sound of the toaster inching closer in the darkness.